Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
when there are deer in the woods
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*