I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
You Might Also Like
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider