I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
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I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.