Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
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Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
This hospital has everything
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me, flirting😏
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*