Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
ready to be harvested
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.