Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
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GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”