friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
You Might Also Like
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.