20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
You Might Also Like
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
catch me on valentine’s day like
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan