“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
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cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.