wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
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when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Rather alarming headline…
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”