You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
sin harder.
I am never leaving this website
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.