Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
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Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I want what they have
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising