How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.