announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
You Might Also Like
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move