[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Practicing safe sax
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.