Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
this isn’t threatening at all
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy