chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
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Brb my Sims are getting married
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I have many caverns
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.