Ah to hear the music of the angles!
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Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.