Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.