Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose