ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
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A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
put ‘er there pardner!
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
🤔😂😂
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it