Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
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Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Tastes like chicken.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.