Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]