Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.