As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
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Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?