Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My kitchen overserved me.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO