I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
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[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Geez man, take it easy.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.