Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
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Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Look at this
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*