Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
It do be feeling this way.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.