Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
You Might Also Like
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s