you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
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Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8