I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.