Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.