Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
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I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Trumpy Cat
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.