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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
I was up all night reading about insomnia