Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
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Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.