me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
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Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?