[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up