Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Not😆🤣
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich