Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Dammit Chief not again
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.