Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
You Might Also Like
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips