The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Breaking news:
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas