[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
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You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.