The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
You Might Also Like
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Oh thanks BBC.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
are they though??
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house