me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.