Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
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Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
There’s never enough good news
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.