me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
groan^2
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.