My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Sooo many times…..
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.