I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
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*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.