I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.